Communication Breakdown | Attitude Problem

"The basis of life is people and how they relate to each other. Our success, fulfillment, and happiness depend upon our ability to relate effectively."

If this would be true, then I have no chance on success.

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Most people know me as being a happy person. You know, the "never-a-dull-moment" kinda guy. I am that, for sure. I have always been the class clown ever since and still is to this day. I love comedy and I love making people laugh. I take it as a skill.

Sometimes though, being funny all the time does have its repercussions. Sometimes I say things I really don't mean just for the sake of being funny. I do it all the time when I'm with friends and whatever I say or do, no matter how detestable, they take it as Tj just being Tj.

Currently, my co-workers who I am very fond of, are giving me the cold shoulder. Apparently, I have said something so offensive they decided never to talk to me again. I couldn't even remember what I said or did. Again, I was misunderstood. Or perhaps, I was being myself in the wrong company. Nevertheless I think they couldn't have given me worse treatment --> Silence and neglect. After all, what is a clown without an audience.

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Let me tell you something I haven't told anyone aside from my better half. Me and my mother haven't spoken to each other for over a year now. Our grudge is so deep we left no room for communication and healing. Everyday we pretend that the other doesn't exist. Everyday we have to instill pride and hate in our hearts just to prove one is better than the other. Everyday we have to discard the comfort of a mother and son relationship. It's been so long that now, I can't even recall what it feels like to have a loving mom... Well, I think I never had one...

So how in the world could I become a "people person" given the fact that I wouldn't even speak to the very being who bore me into this world.

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I'm having trouble with a certain colleague. I'm relatively new in my field and I'm still coping up with all the changes. He, on the other hand, knows the ins and outs of the industry. Well, on his end at least.

It is my job to instruct the guy around. One day as I was asking for a little task to be done, being the senior that he is, he decided to go for a little power tripping instead of helping me out. "Nah do this first and do this after. Come back some time in the next millennium."

I fell silent and walked away. Okay, fine with me. Eat shit, die mutherfucker die.

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And all this has been bothering me.

Why can't I communicate well? It isn't hard to say sorry, it isn't hard to admit mistakes and it isn't hard to talk things over. I know all these things yet I don't do it. I won't.

Then again, maybe its just me and my attitude problem. If you think you're cool, no I'm better. If you think your intelligent, no I'm wiser. If you think you're strong, no I lord you over. If you think you're right and I'm wrong, then take it to your grave. Die with it.

I was raised like this...

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I hope I don't come across as a bad person. I'm just always misunderstood. I hope people will see how meaningful I am. Yeah, maybe I am a little loony and all but I mean no harm. And forgive me for saying things I don't really mean. Its just communication breakdown.