Hall Of Mirrors

A couple of years ago, one would find me to be the worst boyfriend ever. I was flirting with countless women, I was out partying most days of the week, I couldn't be trusted and I lie all the time just to cover my ass. Hey, what do expect of a handsome and cleaver 22 year old yuppie? Clean living? Hell no, not Tj Cafuir.

It was always my stand that men should undergo this phase during their 20's. For me, it would be during these tumultuous times where a kid would become an adult and eventually discard immature antics. But of course, before he lets go of mischief and mayhem, he has to soak it all up first. Right?

A normal 22 year old should at least, for a certain liberal period, get to hit pretty chicks and get wrecked every Saturdays. He should be able to enjoy the fruits of labor and burn all his money on payday. You'll never get to be 22 again so why not live it on the edge. True to my word, that's what I did. I lived my life on the borderline of normalcy and the extremes. Well, come to think of it, I was always on the extremes.

So yeah. I was living a "rockstar" lifestyle and I loved it. I loved how chicks tell me how cool and astig I was. I loved how me and my friends trash bars and clubs and leave the place with everyone shaking heads in both disbelief and amazement. Yeah, remember the face and the name. It's the last time you'll see a bad guy like this.

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And all the while I was having this wonderful relationship with a young, beautiful, intelligent, my dad's an ex-governor, my mom's a teacher, my brother's a lawyer and my sister's a doctor and I'm following their footsteps kinda girl. It was the most perfect harmony. I was trash and she was gold. I loved every single minute that were together and although it seemed that were complete opposites, we shared our lives as if we couldn't breathe without each other. Life is better with her. I loved her and thought we were soul mates.

Now there ain't no one to blame but me. Naturally, eventually and without escape, she caught me and my "rockstar" stupidity, many times actually. I broke her heart. It was the greatest regret of my life. I lost her trust and soon lost everything we've ever had. For some reason though, she never left me.

That was two long years ago. I now changed. I now want to be stable, in love and in life. Gone are the days of mischief and comes the age of maturity. God knows how hard I'm trying now, but it seems there is such a thing as kharma. Perhaps now, when all dust and smoke have cleared, is the time I suffer. Time to pay for my sins. Lately life has been greatly killing me and I actually have a personal blog to prove it. This ain't no niche blog pretending to be whatever, this is me talking in words. I am suffering.

The roles are now reversed. She is now the 22 year old with the word "rebel" etched on the forehead. She now wants to explore the world of adulthood. This is the time in her life where she doesn't need a heretic boyfriend telling her what she can and cannot do. Every time we get into an argument, she would always go back to what I've done in the past. I feel like an ex-convict. Efforts are futile when you have a crime under your name. She wants her space and there is no more room for me. A few more weeks and I can see the finish line, but this one's for losers. I'm going to be an ex-boyfriend.

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I may have fucked up in the past, but I have lots in the future. But no matter how positive it may be, without her there is no life at all. People of the republic, this has been my chemical romance.