Subliminal

"I was cured all right"

Anger Management

Last Saturday was horrific. At our basketball game, the plays are getting intense so much that I threw the ball at somebody's face. I almost went to a brawl with someone, anyone actually. I got a technical foul. A few moments later, I was back in the game shooting hoops. Suddenly, a sudden rush of hate exploded in my veins. I cursed at the referee and I got another technical, this time I was ejected out of the game. Our team lost.

Later that night, really really late, I found myself in a bar in Makati. The rush happened again, this time I was tripping on a Korean guy. I hate Koreans. I hate the fact that most of their tv shows are mass hysteria in primetime, I hate the fact that their weird corniest boybands even have fans, I hate the fact that they're living a good life here and not face poverty in their own country, I hate the fact that they choose not to learn our language, I hate the fact that there are Korean employers who treat their Pinoy workers like shit. So, as soon as I saw a pale faced kimchi running loose in the metro, it was easy for me to point to his face as a target. Again I was contained. If not, something catastrophic would've happened. I could've caused myself to get hurt. But I really didn't care.

Anger. I should learn how to manage it. It's killing me. Slowly.

Waiter, Some More Please...

Ayus...

What do you do with a broken heart? You soak it in alcohol and set it aflame. Because everything went to fast, and since I could only recall fragments, let me share my 4-day drinking spree in bullets.

Thursday

Central Bbq Bar and Grill, Kapitolyo

• After basketball practice, me and a couple of co-workers headed to our favorite spot.
  
• Usual discourse and debates about blogging, the greatest films of all time, the Beatles and Metallica.
  
• Ordered "Bad Boy", a liter of gin, vokda, 4 seasons and some other citrus liquids. A bottle is good enough for two, we had four, there's only three of us, you do the math.
• Talked about love, life, suicide.
• Stared at something distant and thought about her.
• Got drunk and was about to beat the hell out of innocent customers next to our table. Fortunately, I was contained.
• Stared at something distant and thought about her.
• Felt empty.

Insight of the Night:

"There is more to life. You're not the only one that's having problems, others have worst. Be positive."

- Romark Mayuga

Friday

Little Island, Metrowalk

• Since it was payday, some of the more "yuppie" groups at the office went for a night out.
• Pretended to be modern.
• Met a college student from UST. She models.
  
• Contemplative
• Stared at something distant and thought about her.
• No one could replace the one I love.
• Hadn't had enough beer and decided to head somewhere else.

Newly-Opened Acoustic Bar at Betty Go, New Manila

• More beer.
• There was an acoustic band on stage. At first I was hecklin', yelling "You Suck!" after every song. Then, the band played Beauty and Madness.
  
• Stared at something distant and thought about her. I sang my lungs out.

Insight of the Night:

(text message) "Gumimik ka no?"

-Gf

Saturday

RJ Bistro, Jupiter St.

• Pupil, Urbandub, The Ambassadors, etc. was playing. The fedora hat was seen again.
  
• Got to meet and hang out with Ping Medina. We talked about indie films, upcoming projects and music.
• Met Ely Buendia and was able to take a picture with him.
• Felt so alive
• Stared at something distant and thought about her. I wished she was there.
• Hadn't had enough beer and decided to head somewhere else.

Xaymaca Bar, Timog Ave.

• My favorite bands are playing.
• Jon, the owner of the bar who's our friend, poured shots of tequila and we emptied it in a span of 30 minutes
• Meditated on Reggae Beats.
• Me and Salee's favorite song, "Di Mo Lang Alam" was played.
• Words cannot describe what I was feeling.
• The bar was already closed, but I was still drinking with friends, the management and the bands. I was telling Vic from Indio I and Jeck from Peace Pipe how much I hate Brownman Revival.
  
• Got really plastered. I wanted to do Jackass moves like running to a wall or jumping from a table but again I was contained.
• Passed out on a couch.

Insight of the Night:

(One Drop, a Bob Marley song) "For hunger and starvation, lamentation."

- Indio I

Sunday

• I felt like shit so I didn't go out.
  
• I sat in front of the tv.
• Popped a Kubrick classic on the player.
• A Clockwork Orange is indescribable.

Monday

BIR Village, Fairview

• I found out that my closest friends are having problems too.
• Was about to head home and not drink.
• Somebody bought Gran Matador and I said, what the heck, lets drink the damned thing.
• Stared at something distant and thought about her.
• Love is Patience. But I don't wanna be waiting in vain.

Insight of the Night:

"Ano, pare-pareho nalang tayo?"

- Carlos Ramirez I

During these nights I thought that I'm having the time of my life. Now that I'm sober, everything seemed ridiculous. They are. Now I focus everything on my beloved work. Still, as I research and imply strategies, I constantly find myself staring at something distant and thinking about her.

There is something to learn about alcohol. It's poison and medicine both at the same time. Now, I won't drink for at least a week. That is, if there's no Pupil gig coming up. \m/

Hall Of Mirrors

A couple of years ago, one would find me to be the worst boyfriend ever. I was flirting with countless women, I was out partying most days of the week, I couldn't be trusted and I lie all the time just to cover my ass. Hey, what do expect of a handsome and cleaver 22 year old yuppie? Clean living? Hell no, not Tj Cafuir.

It was always my stand that men should undergo this phase during their 20's. For me, it would be during these tumultuous times where a kid would become an adult and eventually discard immature antics. But of course, before he lets go of mischief and mayhem, he has to soak it all up first. Right?

A normal 22 year old should at least, for a certain liberal period, get to hit pretty chicks and get wrecked every Saturdays. He should be able to enjoy the fruits of labor and burn all his money on payday. You'll never get to be 22 again so why not live it on the edge. True to my word, that's what I did. I lived my life on the borderline of normalcy and the extremes. Well, come to think of it, I was always on the extremes.

So yeah. I was living a "rockstar" lifestyle and I loved it. I loved how chicks tell me how cool and astig I was. I loved how me and my friends trash bars and clubs and leave the place with everyone shaking heads in both disbelief and amazement. Yeah, remember the face and the name. It's the last time you'll see a bad guy like this.

+++

And all the while I was having this wonderful relationship with a young, beautiful, intelligent, my dad's an ex-governor, my mom's a teacher, my brother's a lawyer and my sister's a doctor and I'm following their footsteps kinda girl. It was the most perfect harmony. I was trash and she was gold. I loved every single minute that were together and although it seemed that were complete opposites, we shared our lives as if we couldn't breathe without each other. Life is better with her. I loved her and thought we were soul mates.

Now there ain't no one to blame but me. Naturally, eventually and without escape, she caught me and my "rockstar" stupidity, many times actually. I broke her heart. It was the greatest regret of my life. I lost her trust and soon lost everything we've ever had. For some reason though, she never left me.

That was two long years ago. I now changed. I now want to be stable, in love and in life. Gone are the days of mischief and comes the age of maturity. God knows how hard I'm trying now, but it seems there is such a thing as kharma. Perhaps now, when all dust and smoke have cleared, is the time I suffer. Time to pay for my sins. Lately life has been greatly killing me and I actually have a personal blog to prove it. This ain't no niche blog pretending to be whatever, this is me talking in words. I am suffering.

The roles are now reversed. She is now the 22 year old with the word "rebel" etched on the forehead. She now wants to explore the world of adulthood. This is the time in her life where she doesn't need a heretic boyfriend telling her what she can and cannot do. Every time we get into an argument, she would always go back to what I've done in the past. I feel like an ex-convict. Efforts are futile when you have a crime under your name. She wants her space and there is no more room for me. A few more weeks and I can see the finish line, but this one's for losers. I'm going to be an ex-boyfriend.

+++

I may have fucked up in the past, but I have lots in the future. But no matter how positive it may be, without her there is no life at all. People of the republic, this has been my chemical romance.

My Letter to Owen Wilson

To Owen,

I'm a fan on yours (and Luke) ever since I saw Bottle Rocket. You guys just have a different kind of humor that was non-existent before. I love how your face goes stern in funny awkward moments and I like how you deliver killer punchlines with the coolest stoner voice. I remember when you played Hansel in Zoolander. Your runway showdown with Ben was so hilarious that me and my friends staged our own showdown right there at our living room, all with the pulling of underpants! I always routed for you in any movie that you're in. All of the characters you played are the coolest. Eli Cash on The Royal Tenenbaums, Kevin on Meet the Parents, Ken on Starsky and Hutch and John on Wedding Crashers, the latter being my favorite.

+++

But you see Owen, you're more than just a funny man. You're more than a Hollywood actor and you're more than a million dollar A-list celebrity. To me, you are a hero. A hero to dorks like me and to everyone who all wanted in life is to be cool and funny and have self-esteem and be accepted. Every time I see you in TV its like, “Hey there's our man!”, “Yeah Owen's kickin' it.” It's as if your raising our flag. You are our champion Owen and you're good at keeping your fans proud of you.

+++

Maybe things are a little difficult right now. Maybe there are many things that bother you and make you ill. Well, we've all got the blues sometimes. But Owen, you're too cool for that. I know that your personality is one which misfortune cannot tamper. I believe in you. Whatever phase you're in right now shall pass. Just hang on. No matter how dark life is, just keep on living it. Daylight is just 'round the corner. Just keep on living and do what you do. Make us laugh and make the world laugh. God gave your talent for a reason and that is to cheer up lives. Remember the sailors that saw Behind Enemy Lines? Man, you visited and made them really, really happy. That is special. I hope you get well real soon. I hope you'll overcome whatever it is that you need to. I just want to say that your fans here in the Philippines are behind you every step of the way. Take care Owen, you're the best.

*Letter sent to fansite World of Owen at Wilson-Brothers.com

Beats Me

Earlier tonight, my love told me something.

"I want some space."

Then we parted ways.

I kept a straight face, and I started to bleed.

+++

I love Mucus

It's as if the world doesn't want me to blog. For 3 days I was spewing goo and phlegm blanketed with cold delirium on the rocks. I had to file for SL's. Perfect! More salary deductions. Worse, my workflow clogged and piled over.

Guys, I'll be taking a rest that's long overdue. And dammit, I hate it.